the state of me

I've been learning some interesting things lately. About me, about what I will accept or not from others. And these things have been changing in the last few years. Some of the things I learned seem significant. At least to me.
I have learned over the last few years that if one allows someone to say or act in a way that demeans who I am then my deep self is reinforced in her belief that I am not good enough or not okay. It is only in the past year that I have become a little better at hearing or seeing the words or actions that are demeaning. So when I defended my beliefs recently it sent the message to my deep self that I am worth defending. Previously I would have told myself that I was just being too sensitive and I should just get over it. Well, I want to say that standing up for one's self or one's beliefs or for the truth is the far better choice. I never got much for the approach in the way of rewards except maybe resentments, which aren't really very rewarding.
This new (and scary) approach brought rewards I was quite unprepared for. It was like my deep self gave me rewards that can only come from that place...a sense of peace that is bone deep (even though I would have had everyone *play nice* and that didn't happen the peace is stunning), and a renewed understanding of just how the truth will set me free. It's not that things worked out as I would have liked. No. Things just worked out and I knew there were issues at stake that are REALLY important to me, so, I took the whole thing to my Higher Power and let her have it. And being really unsure of exactly the right approach I let things play out dealing with each incident as it came up. And then dealing with the ensuing final explosion, well, big pop, anyway when it happened. In truth and honesty if not with flair. And it worked out well. For me and at least one other person. The rest of the characters in this drama will have to continue on to resolution. But I have found resolution for this situation and a practice that brings such peace I do not understand why everyone doesn't do it.

Cause, see, when things come unraveled, as things are wont to do, if one has been truthful and does not have any secrets to guard then one does not care who know what and all. It is freeing to know that I ain't said nothin' what wasn't true and I don't care who knows the truth. Since it is the truth, I'll stand up for it.

And the whole business about defending my Self. That's tricky for me cause it's a new practice. But, i found myself defending my body size, food choices, and social choices. That's not okay. My body size is the right size, my food and social choices are my own to make. And then there was the situation that seemed to be being set up wherein I was supposed to seduce someone who I felt was too fragile for such games (and then, I would be blamed when it went badly). I choose to be respectful and so did she. Cause I think it would have been possibly worse for me than for her. Cause it would have gone against an ethic I think is valid and good.
So, my Self is pleased with me. And this is a unique situation for me. All my parts are happy with each other. Deep Self and Talking Self have been communicating with each other a lot lately and this is a good state of affairs.

I liked this

I heard this last night and I liked it enough to want to share it. I've no idea who wrote it.


*Ring the bells that still will ring,
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in.*

news

My Dad had his surgery and it went very well. They had to remove part of his bladder to get it all but that means he does not need chemo or radiation. He is a little more depressed than he was prior to surgery. Before the surgery he seemed to be under the impression that he did not have cancer and we did not disillusion him thinking it might help his state of mind. It did. My family has always done denial pretty well. Now he is a little more deflated but the worst is over.

In dog news, Daisy is taking *Super Puppy* class. I am as well. She can't really be trusted with the car yet. We are planning to explore *Therapy Dog Training* after Super Puppy. She responds so well to having a job. And as a trusted friend said, *She's done quite well considering her babysitters are drunks.* Which is true. But, training classes will has to suffice until an Aladog meeting can be established in Pittsburgh.

We had 2 cases of chicken pox at school this week. The first I've heard of in 10 years. We were told there were 2 others and then we were told those were not chiken pox. Confusing but good. Unfortunately we already sent the paperwork to the department of health.

My Dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer this morning.
He called me at work. This alone is an indication of how he was feeling. He NEVER calls me at work.
I seem to be having a lot of friends/family getting cancer lately. It's quite scary and painful. I lost a lover to brain cancer. I know intimately what this can look like. I also know that people do survive cancer. This, in the midst of some difficult work on powerlessness. I really don't think I'm so hard headed as to need this kind of object lesson. Is that just too self-centered to think someone else's illness is some kind of lesson(punishment) to me? PRobably. I'll get over myself. And figure out how to be useful to Dad as well. I just needed to put that down.

kids?!

Kids! I like kids. Which is a good thing cause that's how I spend my days.
Here's a snippet:
We were getting ready to go outside and sweat since it's really humid here. We were sitting on the carpet and waiting for everyone to finish snack. So we were doing some yoga inspired by a two year olds quite natural *happy baby* pose. It was perfect. We all tried it and moved on to a few more poses and then one of the kids said we should chant *Ohm*. So we did. And as we finished I said, in a most hushed and *this is sacred* voice, "Hear the vibrations of the sound of the Universe." And one of my six year olds made a farting sound with his mouth! We all just cracked up laughing. It was really funny. Ya might a had ta be there but we all got a big laugh.

moving through

I think I am starting to accept a thing I can not change.... I can not change the fact that I have a photosensitve condition that makes it necessary to limit my exposure to the sun. I could dye my hair black and let my skin get so pale it is luminous. Well, the pale part will happen any way. The black hair is unlikely. But, i am moving into a place where it is okay to do what I need to do to take care of me no matter what it looks like to others. People DO consider it strange when one wears long sleeves in the summer. Oh well. It's either that or stay indoors and that is as unlikely as black hair. I have a nine months old puppy who needs LOTS of exercise. And so the long sleeves will stay and the puppy will get out. And I will get out. I too require time out of doors. And I will get used to hats. I will. But, I think I need a new hairstyle to accomodate the hats. This one isn't working too well. Must think on that.

pseudoporphyria

It sounds like a joke or something, but I assure you it is not. G'head. Google it. I was diagnosed a few years ago. One of 100 documented cases. That's me. it is a *bulbous photosensitivity* cahracterized by blisters on the hands (can be on the feet too). Caused by nsaid use and sun exposure. At the initial outbreak I was taking Aleve at the beach. I have not aken anything but tylenol since then, but I bought extended release tylenol which must have been a mistake. Plus, my zyrtec is suspected of being problematic but I have to take that. And it isn't an nsaid. Be that as it may, I got a blister while at the pool with the summer camp kids yesterday. Sunscreen is not enough apparently. Tomorrow I'll be stylin' in my long-sleeved t-shirt, hat, and sarong. I'll have the regulation swinsuit underneath (cause they won't let you in the pool without one) Whether I'll be able to get wet in my get up or not remains to be seen. There are always the showers. ause it's hot here in Pittsburgh. Well, we did have a cool front move through today, but with all those clothes on I don't think it will matter.
After looking at some pictures online of pseudoporphyria which looks worse than mine, I think I'll just go for the over dressed look tomorrow. And shade!

patience

My Grandmother always said that *patience is a virtue*. I got that a lot, because I was not very patient. I'm still not. I just manage to look like I am more patient. I want things, me, to change NOW even though I don't even know what those changes might look like. Well, I have some shadowy images but nothing I can really sink my teeth into. Nevertheless, I want to sink my teeth into something. Nothing seems to have much substance as yet. Therapy is okay. Got one thing to look at but no clue what to do with it. Alanon is an okay organization but I can't seem to find the *meat* in that either. Oh, yeah, I'm vegetarian. Well, can't find the tofu. Not even some beans. Well, maybe a bean or two. I got one assignment from my alanon sponsor. She hasn't read it yet. Frustrated! My A.A. sponsor would have been all over that in a few days. It's been weeks! Into action here! Come on! I need some direction. Yes, I know where to go for that too. But, it seems to be a waiting time for me or something. I HATE waiting. I want to DO something. So, I type. I write. I get little teeny, tiny bits of clue. But they only add to the puzzle. ERRR! No, I am not very patient.

I do have some fun with the dogs. Seuss' diet is now my job. No one else could stick to the feeding plan. He is pathetic, yes he is. He sits by his bowl and waits hours before mealtime. But he needs to lose some weight. I plan to take him to the Humane Society and use their floor scale this weekend. I hope he has dropped at least a pound or two.
Daisy is not on a diet. She actually gets a cup more food than Seuss.

We went to UPMC Healthworks on a fieldtrip today. We walked miles to get there and miles to get back and played and rock climbed and all sorts of stuff in the middle. It was fun but tiring. Some of the kids are only 5. They complained less than the older kids about the walk. It was a long day but we had fun.

I have been warned

Without TMI I am having waves of grief. There was an abusive incident when I was a child. I never told anyone. I was too scared. Someone else told and everyone seemed so angry. I wasn't telling. No way! And over the years I managed to convince myself that it wasn't important. But it is. And it colours who I am today. And the thing that I just figured out is that when these waves of grief hit me I don't see the root cause immediately. What I immediately see are nonexsistent abandoment issues with people in my present. It takes me a while to pull away from that and see what is really going on. It's hard. Cause my life doesn't really set aside a lot of time for tearful moments when I can't explain the cause. It's not like I smashed my finger with a hammer. That usually gets cursing. Not tears. People want to be able to have something to focus on and an event from 36 years ago doesn't merit much attention. So, I muddle through. I need to ask my therapist if there is some trick to this that I'm missing. Cause this sucks. I have a lump in my throat that won't go away, tears that are so close to the surface that ANYTHING can set them off, and I can't sleep. Yep. Sucks.

dog days

I had this idyllic vision of taking the dogs to Riverfront Park. As the name suggests the dogs have access to the river and as long as they don't snack on fisherman we'd be fine. Well, I put them both in the backseat and set off. Daisy has never ridden in the back seat and when I open the door to let them out I discovered that she had quietly been sick all over the backseat. So, that was why Seuss moved into the front seat during the journey (of 10 minutes). Ooohhh! So, I get over my shock, tie the dogs to a tree and clean up the backseat. The car still smells like used dog food but at least dog sick doesn't stink like human sick. So, then we ramble and splash and the very excited dogs run in the river, well Seuss waddles out and lays down in the water. It's the only thing TO do when you are built to stay comfortable on the top of Mt. Fuji in a blizzard. In said place Seuss would sit in the snow until he was a dog-shaped pile of snow with only his panting tongue hanging out. Daisy splashed in the river just like a baby in a bathtub. Too cute. Then I leash up sopping dogs and we set off for a walk. We come upon Animal Control cruising through the park. In all the years I've been going there I have NEVER seen Animal Control there. Then I remembered the guy who drowned a few weeks ago trying to save his dog from drowning. The dog made it to shore. His children watched him drown. Horrible. Then we had a picnic. Yes, I packed food and water for all of us. Course, Just like kids, the dogs spilled their drinks. Then we walked somemore...to try to dry off a bit. And we went home. I made it absolutely clear that there was to be NO getting sick in the car. Let me know and I'll pull over. Daisy was fine. We had fun despite the obstacles.

unbridled excitement

I've been waiting, holding space, for so long. I don't feel like I'm doing that any more. We are coming together. We have in our little community 3 witches of varying experience but experience nonetheless and 3 witches fresh from their books. It makes for interesting conversation. And we are doing well. This is good. We had a new moon ritual last night. Just three of us. (2 experienced witches and one new one). One witch was at witchcamp (Not me. Sob!), one was at a local amusement park at the *Pagan Day Out at Kennywood*, and one could not make childcare arrangements.
We did good. We set time limits on the things that get us in *trouble*, like talking. So we decided we would set and hour for chatting, then plan, then DO. And we did. It was lovely. We talked about everything from what happens when you set boundaries with boundary-less people (they get really pissed off), to what our concepts of diety are, how they have changed, and how we work with them. Plus, our jobs, our dreams, the gamut. Then we planned a simple ritual in which we wrote letters to ourselves that we hope to be in six months. A spell.
We had to explain about the phases of the moon to our new witch. I did say she was new. We didn't cover that in the teaching rituals.

Later, I opened a spell bag from an Iron Pentacle class from years ago. Very cool. Interestingly enough my allies and challenges haven't really changed. But I've learned a lot about them in the time since then. It was a lovely connection between old community and new.

See, our community has fallen apart a few times and become something different each time. But it was never stable since the first group fell apart. I think we are stable now. And we have in our midst some of those people with whom I had to set boundaries that they did not understand. They have come to understand a little better in the intervening time. I have had to repeat a few boundaries. But they are kept mostly. And sometimes just a look will suffice to be a reminder and I get an *opps, sorry.* So, live and learn. That's sorta the point isn't it?

MidSummer

Did someone say Mid Summer? Yikes! Things are blooming and dying at an alarming rate. And some things are being sat with. They'll bloom eventually. They are in bud.
I spoke at a meeting on Friday. Here in Pittsburgh we call that *leading*. I understand that in other places it is called *qualifying*. Ya tell *what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now*. So I did. I haven't done that in maybe 9 years. That would be due to having that little spat with my sponsor wherein she told me I just needed to *get a man* and all. Yeah, well, that lead to a huge resentment not only towards her but towards the rest of the peopel in the program. It took me a few years (like 8) to figure out that it's not everyone. And, well, ya kinda havta be at meetings to get asked to speak. And I wasn't so I didn't.
I was not nervous. Not a bit. It's sorta like speaking in trance though cause the deal is that one is supposed to turn it over to one's Higher Power and let them use you as a mouthpiece. Some form of aspecting for certain. I never remember what I said.
A dear friend made me a Goddess pendant to wear and she put it on just before I spoke. It is lovely. An amythyst Goddess with 12 sets of 8 beads. Because...I was born in December and my life card/number is 8. Awesome.
By the time I got to the meeting she had already had a run in with my sponsor over taping my talk for the A.A. archives. He said he was sorry she was my friend. I said I was not. I like her. And so it goes. *Principles before personalities*.

Denial

Yes, I was in denial. I was in denial about having impetigo. Oh, please don't say it phonetically. It is a form of strep and is usually associated with children. I had it as a child. It looks like bad acne but can be anywhere on one's body. We had two other cases at work and three cases of strep throat. Well, I suspected I MIGHT have impetigo as I had one blister on my forehead. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm not self-absorbed or anything. Well, it turns out that might be a good thing sometimes. Cause I DID have it. Here's where the denial comes in. See, as a kid all I remember is my parents being very embarrassed the we had impetigo (we got it from our sandbox - which was gone the next day) and them breaking and putting ointment on the blisters. That was what the doctor told them to do. No one remembers us being given antibiotics. I do not remember being sick, per se. But, perhaps it is different when one is grown up. I had a fever for days, horribly achey joints, I could hardly move. I was restless; exhausted but I could not sleep. And then, AFTER the fever a horrendous headache. Now, I would think again that I am just self-absorbed except that I confered with the other teacher who had this and she had the same symptoms. She attributed the headache, which does not go away to her body reacting to the antibiotics. And lastly, a thorough and numbing exhaustion. And the feeling of being wrapped in cotton wool - a soft but solid barrier between me and the world.
My poor dog was very sweet when I had a fever. She laid by me and was quiet and patient. I felt bad that she didn't get walked so, since I could not sleep anyway, I would walk her. And then feel like I had been hit by a truck. This went on for five days. Poor thing. I am feeling better and getting better at beign sick. Yeah, ya would think that someone so self-absorbed would be good at being sick. Bt, no. I HATE to be sick. Plus, throw in restless and it's not pretty. Getting back on track now though. Losts of rest, good food, MODERATE exercise. Moderation?? what is that? My body is teaching me.
Slowly, I am coming back. I feel better. I don't feel wrapped in cotton wool. I am still easily tired but going slow helps.

not broken

I have to tell myself I am NOT broken. I AM NOT broken. A little cracked maybe. But still whole. If I were not whole I do not think I would be able to get out of bed in the morning sometimes.

I've been working quite hard on the parts of me that don't fit anymore. We all have them. Bits of us, or behaviours that once served a good purpose and now are not working so well. And, see, I did not think that in the process of this I would discover just how important some things are that I have spent decades telling myself are insignificant. It would seem that the things I least want to look at are the things I MUST look at. Isn't that always the way? Huh. I don't even know what to DO with these things if DO is the appropriate verb. It would seem like there must be a verb. Turn it over comes to mind. I have, I do. Cause that doesn't seem to be a one time act. New insights keep coming and I think, *Well, I turned that over. So, now what?* I think it allows me to live with painful insights, information on a daily basis but it doesn't mean I am not going to have to DO something with it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not sorry I keep getting this information. Sometimes I even ask for it. Reaching for change seems often to mean that I have to look at painful things about myself. There is an alternative. But it is ugly. I prefer the one in which I reach for the change and deal with looking at myself in the most honest fashion I possibly can. Even when the things I have to look at I thought I had buried deep enough or had been over for enough years to be pretty much in the past. I really thought I had cleaned out my past. But I was kidding myself. All along. Cause I knew there was just that one thing. I was just hoping it could stay in the past. Problem is everywhere ya go, there ya are. And it was still changing my present. In ways that are not healthy. Keeping me from doing things that I knew I needed to do. Altering my present. And I don't want my present altered by childhood abuse. I want my present to be as healthy as I can make it, allow it, whatever.

So, here's me trying to figure out what the hell I do with all this information, that, techinically, I asked for, but find really hard to work with. I WILL know what to do in the right time.

On the *gotta do life* side of things I have walked the dog, completed a section of homework and sorted out lunch for tomorrow. The homework thing pleases me most cause I like to put that off. It doesn't get done that way.

On the side of things that I could deal with or not (still gotta live with them but...)
I set my boundaries with the annoying woman at work today. She was indeed angry. We know this is the reaction to boundaries. Which is difficult at our school cause there is nowhere for me to go to let her have her anger and not have it affect me. But i gave her as much physical space as was possible. I was nearly in tears. Why, why is this so hard? And why does she find it necessary to comment on my appearance, health, food, etc.? I don't suppose it matters in the long run. And let's face it, I will have more opportunities to practise setting boundaries.

See, my M.O. is to set my boundaries in neutral territory and then leave before the anger sets in. I do get phone calls and have to field the anger then, but, it's on the phone and there is that whole hanging up thing. And most of the people i have needed to set boundaries with have been people I really cared about having a future relationship with if they cared to. I don't really care about this woman outside of the fact that we are colleagues. So, this is virgin territory for me. I guess, in the past, I would have just put up with her and decided it didn't matter. But, it does. So, new ways of behaving must be learned.

I think I've said it before: I'm on a learning curve this year.

So there is this woman at work who has been making nasty, snarky comments about a variety of things I do...such as the food I eat and where I buy it. Whole foods, it's often organic, the colours are not always blue or pink. Sometimes they are rather none descript. She has said that people who eat foods with additives are healthier than people who eat organic food. Vegetarians are unhealthy. That pretty much means me cause I'm the only one. Each comment, taken alone, would be something to ignore. But they have piled up over the last few months and become unbearable. SHE took a little hissy fit on Friday and made a few more pointed comments and then huffily left. Making it look as if I had done something to make her angry. It turns out she is upset because her husband is being transfered again. Okay. Be upset. Don't drag me into your little drama with all your transferance crap. K?
Everyone was left on Friday not knowing if she was coming in to work this morning or not...which would mean there would be no preschool teacher today or tomorrow at Mother's Tea. Which is a VERY BIG DEAL indeed! Mother's Tea, that is. The children have been rehearsing their performance for months.
Well, she showed up and told our director that her husband was being transfered and she did not want to talk about what she was doing to me. Our director left it there. I did want to talk and I told her what has been going on.
Now, this woman is not talking to me or even looking at me. So be it. I have done nothing wrong and I am not going to pretend I have and give her some kind of apology. If I thought I owed her one I damn sure would but as the abused party I don't think that would be very healthy and health is where we are heading. *Strive for emotional balance.*
So, am angry that everyone is working at denial in action but I suppose the day before Mother's Tea is not the best time to insist that a very nervous and emotional person take actions they don't really want to take. We'll see how things go after that and if the silent treatment continues it will ahve to be addressed. But, she is leaving eventually. It probably isn't really soon though. Last time it was a few months if I remember.
She has also pulled this not talking to people thing before with a couple of her aids and she was told then that she couldn't do that. But, fortunately, I do not have to spend all day with her. Just a few hours here and there. Still...this must be resolved in some way.

Insight?

So, I have neurotic guilt, and am character disordered. This said by a very (no, really) kind friend. Apparently, these are the nature of things that are under my control in the on going saga of Karen and the abusive comments I've been getting at work. And my attempts at indifference probably made the whole situation worse...for me cause I didn't deal with any of it til I was pushed to the wall so to speak and her behaviour because I suspect that it escalated when I did not respond but was indifferent. read: I did not cry at work, I did not go to my director and complain...my coworkers did that for me. I did not because I really did not see the picture as a whole until yesterday. Before that it was a bit like looking at an impressionist painting too close. Colour but no form.
So now I have some work to do on personality traits and emotional balance.
Off I go!

Bad Day

I had a really fucking bad day. I can't stop crying even though I think my eyeballs will likely explode soon. This woman at work has been making snarky comments for some time. I have NOT been making snarky comments back because I do not engage in childish, backhanded anger. If I have something to say, I say it. I don't have any need to couch it as teasing or telling you about your behaviour as if you were one of our students. But, it all came to a head today. I've been through the story so many times I don't event think I can do it again.
Although, what the fuck? My therapist made the comment, *Look what you're doing to yourself.* What? I'm in pain and I'm crying! So, fucking, what!? Actually, if you're me, that's sorta new. It sucks that I can't stop but.... My eyes just palin hurt, man. But, at least I've got feelings. And names for most of them. I had done to me what I don't allow in my classroom. This is the kind of backhanded shit my mother used to pull when we were kids. Which could be why I am so effected by it. But, it doesn't matter why. it just is. And she won't talk so nothing can be worked out. How childish.

This weekend was lovely weather wise. I have the sunburn to prove that I was out most of it and that I am just stupid. I KNOW the Spring sun is stronger than the Summer sun! It's not a bad one. I just didn't realise I was out that long. It was so beautiful out. I took Daisy to Riverfront Park on the Southside and to Sheraden Park twice. She was terrified by the geese at Riverfront Park. I got a cute picture of her looking absolutely confused by them. They didn't chase her or anything. It was just the honking. She's a big baby. And six months old today!

The bad news is that the doctor has given my mom's partner 2 weeks to six months to live. He is in hospital and may not come out. I'm catching a little fucked up slack about that since I was the one to nag, I mean, mention that he didn't look good and that he had a horrible cough. I thought he was in congestive heart failure and he is. He also has a leaky valve in his heart. I KNOW it's not my fault that he is so sick. Unfortunately, I am being treated as if it were. That's how this family works.

So, it would seem that we already have one person who has pulled out of the class. Seems he thinks that Reclaiming (or P.) is Dianic and that's not going to work for him. I'm not in tears really. I think he came to the class just to see what we were up to. He must like Rook's form of Reclaiming better. Not, not, not, that I don't love Rook. This guy just feels more comfortable with Rook than with us. Which makes sense because we are the scary lesbians. Well, some of us, anyway. Not all.

I also think that even though the first class was pretty simple and elementary really, it gave a taste of things to come. Can be scary. We have overwhelmed people before. I would have not thought this would be the class to do that, but, then, that's me. Not what he wants apparently. Which is fine. I was rather surprised he wanted to come in the first place.

Then, there is the issue where he rode the 2 C's to the class. If he doesn't come they will have to take the bus. This involves a transfer. Which will probably be too much effort. But, maybe not. If it is, you may rest assured that they will not say that travel is why they can't come but will come up with some drama or the other to satisfy themselves that they are not giving up.

We'll see what happens.

learning curve

I seem to be on a learning curve lately.
See, the last few posts have been part of a process (a messy one) in which I try to figure out what the hell happened and what I do now and how do I work it out so I can live with it. Cause in any number of previous posts I've mentioned that I don't drink, use drugs or alter my conscious reality in any fashion involving chemicals. Or in any fashion not conducive to ACTUAL REALITY. So, what I do and who I do it with has to actually work and not be harmful to my physical, emotional, or spiritual life. Cause it's all real.

So, enough with the evasive language. I have been trying to work out how to function in a group that two former covenmates wanted to be a part of. Let us just say that they are not the heatlthiest pair and one is not getting any help as yet for her lack of mental health. It was not a very healthy realtionship before and I have carried the resentmnents born of that until,well, two days ago.

I have been talking, writing, typing, praying (what else does one call it when one communes with the Divine), and meditating on this for over a week. The process felt messy and it WAS consuming. But, I did not feel that I was letting them *rent space in my head* as some friends made comment. I've been there. This was not the same place. This was a place where I was indeed looking at what had happened. But I was not playing it over and over to punish myself or look for ways to be vengeful. I saw them. Indeed. That would be the place where I build walls instead of boundaries. No, I found a place of boundaries and forgiveness. Yes, they did things I cannot countenance. I do not and will not permit or participate in their sick behaviour. But, two days ago, something just slipped away and I realised that I AM able to allow them into my home to participate in workshops as long as they behave. Forgiving them is not about letting them repeat their behaviour and saying it's okay. It's about holding boundaries and not resentments. If they can behave then they can come and maybe, just maybe they will learn to set boundaries of their own.

So, that was very interesting. It has been a long time since I have had to work that hard on resentments, forgiveness, boundaries. Cause my first reaction was to take refuge from the pain that they caused in the past behind a wall of defense. Like battlements for boiling oil and places for the archers. But that won't allow growth in me so, that wouldn't be very helpful.

not so easy

It is not so easy to *work the steps* as my last post might lead one to believe. But, it helps me get my thoughts in some kind of order. So, let me look at what my personality flaws might be that would hinder this issue.
I am belligerent, superior, and defiant. Which leads me into situations where I become confused, bewildered. Lost because I did not listen to or for the will of my Higher Power or to the well meant advice of friends. These are what lead me into a situation wherein I put myself in a position to be hurt.

Be that as it may, now I must find a way to heal the hurt. And not cripple my community in the process.

never done

Okay, so I made my decision about C. He can participate in the workshops cause there isn't an alternative (read a different community) that he can be a part of. And for some reason he wants to be a part of this one. So, he may. He may not be a part of my personal life. He is far too toxic. Being around him and socialising with him made me physically ill. But, a series of workshops, well, that's a horse of a different colour. Plus it gives me the opportunity to see how well my boundaries hold up.

And then there is the issue of my resentments towards the other C. Let me see if I can work this out.
1. I am powerless over C. and how she behaves. She made my life unmanageable and I stepped away from her.
2. The Goddess can restore me to sanity and help me hold my boundaries.
3. I will turn my will and my life over to the care of the Goddess. That way I won't have to kill her and go to jail. Plus, it just looks bad.
4. Searching and fearless moral inventory.
a. I tried to *help* C. and became angry when she did not do as I thought she
she should.
b. I was angry because my help was not appreciated. Nor was it asked for.
c. I took it as a personal affront when she did not try to seek effective
help for herself...even though I set it up so that it would be easy.
5. Okay, I was wrong. I am NOT in charge of anyone else's life.
6. Ready
7. Goddess, I'm quite ready to have the controlling, let me be your guide to life shortcommings removed.
8. the list:
Me
C.
9. Okay, this one can't be taken care of here.


This was helpful but it still doesn't really help me to decide what I am going to do if C.f. wants to come to the workshops too. Whereas C.m. was an unhealthy alliance I bare no ill will towards him. C.f is a little more tricky. She lived in my house and messed with the energy, broke Christmas ornaments in the attic, was pretty much hell to live with because she thought the demands being made of her were too much for her. My controlling of the demands was wrong. The demands for her to be responsible for herself and her actions was only what is expected of each of us.

Oh, and there was the nasty little letter which I assume was meant to curse and scare me which ended *So Mote It Be* when she left. I laughed. How dare she practise magic on me! But, the intention and the ill will written out like that was not very nice. Should have left her in the abusive situation she was in and leave her to her own devices.

There well may be more to this one. Oh, yes, not done with this one yet.

decisions

It would seem I have a decision to make. So what's new?
The *New Thing* that we're doing instead of coffees is teaching rituals. And if no one shows up and it's just us...rituals.

Here's the deal though, there are two people on the edge of our community who may or may not want to participate and since these events will be taking place at my house I have to decide whether or not I want them here. They are a boundariless pair although not a couple. Best Friends. They were both part of my last coven. One of them lived with me for a while. They both have mental illness issues that may be years in the resolution. Especially for one since she is doing nothing about it. How do I explain my revulsion without sounding like one of my students (5 year olds). I don't want this to sound like *you can't come to my party* but I really don't want you at my party. I have spent the past year having my boundaries trampled and the only thing they seem to understand is anger and physical distance. Which we would not have if they came to the rituals. I don't wnat to hug you. I barely want to speak to you. The guy forced people to particiapte at the Lughnasadh ritual which was the last until Ostara in which we were together. I was not only appalled I was furious. I could *see* myself hurting him. Such a level of emotion! I can't even find words to express how I felt. They aren't big enough. And no outlet. I couldn't do what I WANTED to do. My internal boundaries mostly work. But forcing people to do things in ritual that they do not understand and do not want to do is not right. These were people with no experience with ecstatic ritual and no basis for understanding what he was doing. It was not in the *ritual conspiracy* and when they asked him what he was doing he told them not to worry *just go with it*. Riiight! After that I told him I did not want to be in ritual with him. I relented and said he/they were welcome at the public ritual. But this is different.
And, they did not behave themselves at the public ritual but ran away with the Elemental invocations, blah, blah, blah. I know. I sound like a baby.
But, I get hugs when I've said no, put up my hand and stepped back. Granted it wasn't a close hug, but, no means, no! I am afraid that one more boundary crossing will be the last straw. They do not understand boundaries at all. When I enforce mine they get angry, pout, and cause a scene. I deal with this at work. I do not want to deal with this from them.
Okay, I'm *living in the wreckage of the future*. They might actually behave themselves. I might give them a chance to behave themselves. But, if they can't behave at a public ritual, why do I think they would behave in this instance?
Maybe they'll think they don't need teaching rituals. One can only hope.
I feel like my boundaries are assaulted with every encounter with them and their damaged boundaries. One does the talking thing. Talks nonstop. No one can get a word in edgewise. The other...just no boundaries. Let's people walk all over himphysically, emotionally, sexually. And he does the same if he can. Oh, yes. I know them all too well. Which is why I am so scared. Scarred.
I don't want to exclude them from the community but I don't know how else to keep myself safe. Unless we state, specifically, what is okay and what is not. And I know from past experience that they will find the thing we have forgotten and use it.
Oy!

I don't make decisions quickly, usually. They come to me slowly. Especially when they involve *community*. The whole Reclaiming coffee thing took weeks to sort out. Was I being spiteful? Was it a *power play*? How did I really feel and why? What, exactly, was going on?
So, I took the time to work it all out. No, it wasn't a power play. Yes, I may have been just a bit spiteful. I knew people were going to be upset. But that was mainly about their power issues and thinking they controlled something that they do not want to commit to. I was REALLY ANGRY about how people were behaving and shifting thier responsibilities onto me. So, when things became clear, I took responsibilty for my feelings and my actions and did what I think is the right thing. We're just doing something different now. Something with more purpose that will fill a need here.
So, however others may feel, I am okay with my actions.

I saw a hawk in the park today. It eyed Daisy up just a little too closely. But, as she is slightly bigger than the hawk, it left her alone. It was awesome. Daisy has developed a dog's reverance for the *sacred springs* in the park and did them full honors by walking in the water pouring from them. One was quite a little waterfall after all the rain we've had. She was quite impressed by it. She had herself a dive into the water pouring off the rocks. Need I mention that she was very muddy by the time she was done *worshipping*. Going to the river is a must now. She will love it.

I am pondering the things that always seem to change this time of year. It's like cleaning out one's closet except it is one's life that get's cleaned out. In the Program we call it an inventory. Just like in a store. Take stock of what you've got, see what you want to put on sale, and what just needs to go in the trash heap. And then, of course, there is *the keep* pile.
Therapy is on the keep pile, although I'm waiting to find out that it's really worth my time. I keep telling myself that my therapist doesn't really know me yet and I need to give it some time. So I will.
What once was *Coffee with Reclaiming and Friends* (for those who have committment issues) has been put on the trash pile. It was all *friends* and no Reclaiming. It was hijacked by the Meetup group. Not a bad lot as humans go but not Reclaiming. The guy that organizes the meetups even made signs that said Pittsburgh Witches Meetup Group. So people would not be confused. I was not confused. And I asked him to STOP advertising the coffees as a Reclaiming event. Cause it's not. I was the only one there who would commit or admit to being Reclaiming so since I'm not going and no one else wants even to commit to any tradition at all they need to come up with a new name.
We'll do our Reclaiming stuff at a different time in a different place and it will be called Reclaiming and it will look like Reclaiming and if they still want to play with us they are welcome. But, kindly, don't call it something else.
Okay, I'm pissed! Yep!
But, I caused my little wave and the coffees are renamed and I have fielded the emails and phone calls that begin, *What the hell was that all about?* And I did not make that decision on my own. Those us us with the metaphorical balls to call ourselves Reclaiming witches made the decision. So, it's over and although feelings were hurt there are consequences to sitting on the fence too long. Like it gets to be a pain in the ass.
And boundaries are way up there on the keep list. I've had enough crossed lately to take stock of how, exactly, I am expressing myself and revising just what I say and do so there are no grey areas wherein anyone could be confused about my physical boundaries. I will say, *No, you can't have a hug.* Because the no body language, even a hand sticking out and a step back were apparently to ambiguous.
Walking and yoga and weights are keepers too. Gotta keep the downward flow of energy bouncing back up somehow.
And Al-Anon. That is definitely a keeper.
That's it for now. Inventories don't have to be done all in one day.

dog news

I had a giant scare yesterday. Seuss, our BIG dog was not behaving as usual at the park. Lagging behind, not running, sitting down when I stopped to wait for him to catch up. On the way home I was watching him closely and found a lump that was quite huge (how could I have missed that?) on his left side. We lost our Lab to cancer a few years ago and I was worried that Seuss had cancer too. Well, NO. He has fatty tissue deposits, according to the vet. He is just FAT. So, now he is on a special diet. Two cups of food a day. No more. Relieved. Vastly relieved.

shells

I have a shell like the T-Rex musta had. Unless they were incubated toothless. Seems unlikely. I've known this for some 20 years or so. I was not too very disturbed by it. It served it's purpose. Other people found it intimidating. As well they should! That was part of the purpose. I was told that Witchcamp would crack me open. NOT! See, I've always taken a BAD view of anyone who thought my shell could be cracked by ANY external event. They were there. Waiting for me to crack. They cracked. Not me. Not the T-Rex shell. I think I felt like if someone was waiting so obviously gleeful about it, that was NOT the time. Mind you, my shell was permeable to the things I needed. Otherwise I would not have changed ever. It, I, knew when it was time to begin to peck, gnaw, open. I have always thought that people who were so worried about my shell ought to be more worried about their own or their lack thereof. But, cracking open it is. Not from any external force but from within, it is time. It has been mentioned, noticed by others whom I consider *safe*. Not gleeful. I have shed more tears in the past week than in the past 30 years. Healing tears. Not tears of rage or selfishness. Not tantrums. Grief. And, apparently, this is the sign to the other humans that I am one of them. That I am not as together as I might appear. I'm not being conceited. It has been spoken that I am so together and sane. I do think I'm sane. (ooh, that could be bad.) But it's nice to have my humaness recognised too.

It's been a crying day. It started almost as soon as I got up. I saw a therapist for the first time yesterday. First real session. It was not too bad. But it was probably what set me off. Everyone seems to think that I need to move out of MY house asap. (my therapist too, went on about the possibilities) Well, be that as it may, asap is not going to be all that soon. Financially, I just cannot do that. It will take some time and other changes before that becomes the thing I can do. I still have to live in the mean time. And my biggest concern is that I will lose my suppost system in the mean time because they don't like what I'm doing, the choices I'm making. Which is rally scary. The people in my house are no sort of healthy support system and the people I'm afraid of losing are. But, I can't make choices I can't see my way clear to just because others think I should.

And if the friendships, support systems I have are so tenuous that they would fall apart on account of my not doing what they think I should...well, then, maybe they aren't as supportive as I thought. I need to do what I can, when I can, as I see it being useful and possible. Although I am nopt opposed to trying the impossible...trying to rent on NO money just doesn't seem like a good idea. I think it's called *being homeless* or...*squatting*. I DO have a home. It ain't the most healthy place on Earth but it is warm and dry. I'm not saying that I won't ever move out. If it becomes a reality then so be it. But, for now, I'll live in the building for which I pay a mortgage. I will see to my own safety within this sick system and do my best to be as emotionally balanced as I and my Higher Power can arrange. I have other issues to work on and I am doing that. I can't live my life according to other people's expectations. Therapists, friends and support system included.

I went to the Al-Anon meeting that everyone has been telling me is the best in Pittsburgh this morning. It conflicts with yoga so I had not been. I sat there and cried through the whole meeting (trying not to the whole time) and then when it ended the dam sorta broke and I just couldn't stop. It was all about the friends I am afraid I'll lose because I'm making decision that differ from their suggestions. I didn't ask for suggestions. I was only looking to vent. But, that's how people are. Some have not really perfected their mind reading skills. It's hard. I live in a crazy situation. I have no real options at the moment. I think I'm pretty sane in spite of my household. Don't get me wrong...I have my issues. But not living in the Truth isn't one of them. Being able to live in/with the Truth and be okay in who I am. That's what I try to do. It seems to be working for now and I have faith that the Goddess will make it crystal clear when it is not. That's how my program works. That's what conscious contact is about.

This feeling that I'm letting everyone down. That's probably my codependence shining through.

snow day/mental health day

I was called off school today. Kindergarten was cancelled. It is a miracle. We almost never close. We are not actually closed now. But we will close at 3pm. We are usually open until 6pm. So, I got an unexpected call as I was on my way in...cause we never close and if we are open class goes on. But, now I am home. I will take Daisy on her first *snow walk*. It was waaay too cold for her to have a *snow walk* the last time it snowed.

It is fortuitous that I have today off, although it may mean I cannot get to my beloved home group meeting. I am having a life crisis wherein I get to fall to pieces and then try to put it all together again. Fortunately I have Divine and human help in this cause I could NOT do it alone. I really needed a day to be quiet and work with myself and my Deity and just gather myself. I have a great deal of work to do both spiritual and life stuff. None of it is really *new* just much clearer now. And vitally important to my physical, spiritual, and mental health that I do this work now. Cause it won't go away or anything. This we know.

another poem

I came
A barren wasteland inside
Sick and broken outside
No smile
No tear
Desparation
I stayed
Willing
Willing to suspend disbelief
Willing to try, without hope
Struggling
Day by day
Moments of awe
Hours of despair
Moments of despair
Days of awe
Growing
Changing
Slowly, painfully
Pain becomes
Real joy
Truth becomes the quest

A poem in honour of Brigid

Fire within
Fire without
Dross burned away
Truth glows brightly from the
heart of the flames
Edges glinting
A gem of freedom
In flames of transformation

Marjie Douty 2.2.2007

Seventeen Years

I want people whose blogs I read to post more...and here's me. I haven't posted for over a month. I do have an excuse. I was gifted a new puppy. A boxer/lab mix from the local shelter. Daisy. She is 3 months old. We brought her home on the 26th of December. She has tripled in weight and size since then. Currently a little over 12 pounds. She is adorable and energetic. So, I've been busy. Our other dog is over 7 and he's not too demanding. Daisy is a whole 'nother story. I think she is the dunce of puppy class. But, she does the commands at home. Maybe she's just shy. Not. But, she has a big distraction in another puppy, Tessie, a golden lab. But, other than puppy care, I've been trying to keep up on the classes I need to keep my teaching certificate. Easier to do things in a timely fashion than to wait until the very last minute and then panic.

On a different note, today I have been sober for exactly 6,209 days. That's 17 years one day at a time. It's funny. It's not like I didn't know how much time I had. I did , of course. But, once I began to think about it I realized I am fast approaching being sober longer than the span of time I was alive before getting sober. It's a kick to realize one has been sober longer than one drank. But, I passed that one up a while ago. It sets me to thinking about how this all came about and where the hell am I going. And scary pledges to Brigid an all. Cause you know that whatever you pledge, it will not look a bit like what you thought it would. Therein lies the scary. But, then, getting sober didn't look a bit like what I thought it would either. And having 17 years doesn't look like what I thought it would either. I thought I would be such a sage. What crap. And the work doesn't get any easier. Just different. Oh, it changes. Yes, yes. It all changes very much. I am not the person I was ten years ago, let alone 17 years ago. But, I am, at my core, still the same person. And I carry the memories of all those changes in my bones. That's why the fear. I was afraid 17 years ago. Gods, I think that was the main emotion in my life. That and rage. Now, I can be afraid and know it and walk through anyway. But the experience of past *walks* tells me the unknown will open and I will walk through. Sometimes I'm not sure if that's brave or foolish. But, so far, I have not been lead astray.
So, here's to *doing it afraid, baby!*